the wave of numbness is starting to wash over now. it's like high school all over again without the razor blades.
it's not the work. it's being away. and here i am writing about my problems instead of working, which could get me home faster.
"boo hoo," right? fuck you
i'm coming to realize i'll be here another week. i can't
handle this. i can't
hug my boyfriend. i can't
see my little girl's face. i can't
drink wine and smoke cigarettes with my best friend.
---and i'm not a "can't" person---
living and breathing this fucking project which i love and believe in and so desperately need...but home. i need home.
i'm over the sympathy. i'm over the "chill out
," the "breathe
," the "it'll be over soon
." doesn't mean shit
. it doesn't give me hugs or kisses, which have become something i never realized until now that i need in my life these days. instead it's replaced with my bosses/my parents' satisfaction and praise with the work i've been doing. and after 14 hour days of working on one part, the red correction ink bleeding from my paperwork begins to dull the praise into "i could do better
i feel scattered. and distracted. and my adderal has run out. i'm getting no exercise. my body is confined to a chair and my hands have warped into a laptop that runs slower and slower as the days go on and the work overloads my computer's hard drive.
i need more space... ..i need a hug from chloe.
....it's not the work...it would be fine if i worked a 14 hour day and could come home to a sleeping household at midnight and have to do it all over 7 hours later the next day. if he could just hold me...
i've been eating grilled vegetables or cafe yumm for the past month. or just eating nothing. lacking variety in my life is causing some damage. my person needs change. i'm beginning to fall apart...shit my skin is coming off with tape. (small stab at humor to those who read my twitter last night...ha.)
lazy is far from who i am. and my body is starting to realize that i'm not doing my part. there is no equal balance for my body and mind....and my heart
is experiencing the repercussions of it all.
i don't do well with not being in-the-know...and there's only so far my online social network will take me. it's not enough to type words and hear voices. it's all running together. i'm afraid my life is going on without me. i'm invited but my RSVP has been forced to "i can't
" instead of "i don't want to."
that's wearing me down.
this town has nothing for me. i knew that and got the fuck out when i was 20. now i'm back which was supposed to be for a 2, 3 weeks tops, project that's turning into longer than a month. it wasn't that i took too much on...it's that i didn't anticipate this feeling i'm getting of depression caused by i s o l a t i o n
. . ..and now it's starting to blur my concentration.....which is only making things worse.
i'm not looking for pitty here. i'm looking for a hug
. an actual, physical hug - which is not something i look for often, at all......though it's probably because it was more available to me than it's been now. i want to look at her face when she tells me about her day. i want to HOLD HIS HAND. i want his hands to hold me.
....i'm just totally overwhelmed.