today's been really hard. actually i've just been having a hard time all together. my financial situation has got me in a downward spiral - slowly causing tensions between those closest to me. my parents can't carry me forever - and the end of their help is reaching near. i'm starting to feel frustrations with my lover - it's only been 6 months...financial issues shouldn't be a cause of stress in our relationship. i'm trying to answer phone calls out of hope that it's a future employer - but all i'm getting are angry creditors who don't give two shits about me - and my crying seems to make them angrier...even though i'm not even trying to use that for an excuse....it's just what happens sporadically now a days...

i feel myself getting lost. i used to be way more happier. uplifting and positive. now the water won't stop falling from my eyes, it takes an hour to do my makeup before work just to ATTEMPT at covering their permanent puff. i barely talk to anyone...every time i do, they say how they miss me....(i miss me)....and how we need to catch up. unfortunately that's as far as it goes. the only catching up i'd do wouldn't be things they'd want to hear. so i'm losing people. i can't afford to go out - and although my man continues to try to convince me that it doesn't have to cost money to go out....i can't get through the difficulty of making that happen either. i'm not strong enough to go out and see everyone drinking and having a good time, and not want to drown my sorrows in alcohol or similar fun.

i'm feeling like i have no opinion or choice in my life anymore - my parents want to help but their resorting to the military. and sure it'd take care of my problems financially....but my life and the rest of it wouldn't be mine anymore. i'd lose my boyfriend for sure, having to move somewhere to go to school or whatever.

this isn't who i am! i'm staring and the beautiful heels i have tucked away in my closet that i haven't touched in months because - where would i wear them? some days i don't eat because i just can't afford it - picking and choosing the days to do so....mostly around other people so they believe that i do eat. i'm stuck inside all day which is turning me fat (even without eating) and white and sad.

fuck!!!!!!!! i hate this. i hate being here again. at least it hasn't gone as far as it has....yet. the worst part about everything: i don't know how to pull myself out of it all. it hurts even typing that out.

the wave of numbness is starting to wash over now. it's like high school all over again without the razor blades.
isolation.

it's not the work. it's being away. and here i am writing about my problems instead of working, which could get me home faster.

"boo hoo," right? fuck you.

i'm coming to realize i'll be here another week. i can't handle this. i can't hug my boyfriend. i can't see my little girl's face. i can't drink wine and smoke cigarettes with my best friend.

---and i'm not a "can't" person---

living and breathing this fucking project which i love and believe in and so desperately need...but home. i need home.

i'm over the sympathy. i'm over the "chill out," the "breathe," the "it'll be over soon." doesn't mean shit. it doesn't give me hugs or kisses, which have become something i never realized until now that i need in my life these days. instead it's replaced with my bosses/my parents' satisfaction and praise with the work i've been doing. and after 14 hour days of working on one part, the red correction ink bleeding from my paperwork begins to dull the praise into "i could do better."

i feel scattered. and distracted. and my adderal has run out. i'm getting no exercise. my body is confined to a chair and my hands have warped into a laptop that runs slower and slower as the days go on and the work overloads my computer's hard drive.

i need more space...

                              ..i need a hug from chloe.


....it's not the work...it would be fine if i worked a 14 hour day and could come home to a sleeping household at midnight and have to do it all over 7 hours later the next day. if he could just hold me...

i've been eating grilled vegetables or cafe yumm for the past month. or just eating nothing. lacking variety in my life is causing some damage. my person needs change. i'm beginning to fall apart...shit my skin is coming off with tape. (small stab at humor to those who read my twitter last night...ha.)


lazy is far from who i am. and my body is starting to realize that i'm not doing my part. there is no equal balance for my body and mind....and my heart is experiencing the repercussions of it all.

i don't do well with not being in-the-know...and there's only so far my online social network will take me. it's not enough to type words and hear voices. it's all running together. i'm afraid my life is going on without me. i'm invited but my RSVP has been forced to "i can't" instead of "i don't want to."

that's wearing me down.

this town has nothing for me. i knew that and got the fuck out when i was 20. now i'm back which was supposed to be for a 2, 3 weeks tops, project that's turning into longer than a month. it wasn't that i took too much on...it's that i didn't anticipate this feeling i'm getting of depression caused by i s o l a t i o n. . ..and now it's starting to blur my concentration.....which is only making things worse.


i'm not looking for pitty here. i'm looking for a hug. an actual, physical hug - which is not something i look for often, at all......though it's probably because it was more available to me than it's been now. i want to look at her face when she tells me about her day. i want to HOLD HIS HAND. i want his hands to hold me.


....i'm just totally overwhelmed.

holy shit.


i hate it when i'm stricken with a rush of fear right in the middle of my laughter. and now i'm shut down.

ok. i know i'm analytical - thank god for lj for these moments of "self reflection" n such, but it's a bit bothersome when...uhhh. hmmm.

so i'm on this rollercoaster. and it's fast and its fun and it's smooth.

er wait.

i'm at this concert. this amazing concert....ok no no...fuck analogies.

ahhhhh i like someone and i'm scared. eventually that point will come (usually bout the YEAR mark) when a starts being a and my first impressions go right out the window. yea i'm great at first impressions. i always seem to get a little too difficult though. fuck. my mind is wondering too much right now. i'll piece it together later.

one thing i like about this show is how emotionally involved the doc's are with their patients - and the rest of the show is TOTALLY fucked up! haha.


that, and, they've provided an example that pot can bring us together ;) - in the end it demotivates and CHILLAXES the peeps enough to disregard differences and confrontation.



:)

some tv shows REALLY make you not want to have kids...thank god for the peeps who view the other side - keeps the world youthful :)

- TALL
- hippy
- grunge
- clean
- stylish
- boarder (snow,surf,skate)
- musician
- peaceful
- strong
- sports
- soccer
- basketball/football/rugby
- good sex
- muscles
- physically healthy
- smokes pot
- massages
- educated
- good teeth
- handyman
- dogs
- plants
- encouraging
- protective
- positive
- realistic
- wealthy
- mountain car
- outdoors man
- experienced
- good with kids
- daddy's boy
- motivated
- motivating
- encouraging
- good at everything he does
- spoils me
- man of the house
- man of the relationship
- wears the pants

*** DON'T THINK THIS IS FOR YOU ***


i love you. but please, for your own sake, don't try to analyze and understand me. because the second i catch on that you're doing so...i'll become unpredictable. if it ain't on my terms, i can't handle it. the more you believe you'll steal my heart, the more likely i will break yours. i love you in my life and you need to know i do respect you. but the second you hold expectations of me in relation to the outcome of YOUR life is when i pull the plug. i've been honest. from the beginning. and throughout. so i know i'm not at fault for "leading you on." but still you won't accept it therefore i have to save my selfishness and for you, walk away. when you understand not to count on me is when i can feel comfortable. i feel my introductions to people only comfortable when i EARN their trust and they EARN mine. often people offer trust in the beginning of their introductions - leaving them broken at the end...however if trust is only earned through length of time knowing a person...letting them go is easier because you see it as they only earned a certain amount of trust and openness. therefore, grieving is only as long as they offered you a trust level.

you came on too strong. i mean, the strength of a movie...in which i've told you NUMEROUS times is a major turnoff for me. i need/want a man whos a man not a man whos standing in the rain confessing his love for me. not to say i want an asshole. i just don't want a sap.


as if they even exist anymore. and seriously, if you're reading this, STILL don't think after reading this that you understand me or believe you've found a way to get through to me. i'm an open book - not an open heart. i'll tell you everything you wanna know about me - even what makes me cry...but that doesn't mean that you can make me cry. and if you do make me cry...that doesn't mean you've reached my heart.


i'm telling you i'm not a girl who plays games. i spell it out for you. i tell you in words i know you understand. and as much as being a guy forces you to want to analyze what i'm saying -because you believe i MUST be giving you a puzzle within my words- but what i say to you - know i'm telling you honest shit. i've overcome the trait of lying for my personal benefit and as much as you want to believe it - i don't play games. you just think i do because you're directed to feel that reaction from me telling you exactly what i want and your heart wanting the opposite...

you read my journal and believe based off of my text that i'm a certain way. which is why i began this draft with "don't try to analyze and understand me"...the second i catch on that you assume something about me...i'll shift.



all i ask is to be your friend - don't get crazy on me and fall in love with me and expect that i'm going to fall in love with you. if you can't be my friend and just my friend, i'm going to have to separate myself from you - only because it's not fair to you to let you keep believing we're getting closer to that level.

the people who care...those are the easiest hearts to break...





......yikes.

ok - let me just preface this by saying i am not looking for any sort of sympathy or reassurance of my self worth. i know i'm great, i know i have an amazing life...but let's be honest - sometimes, as a human, life gets a bit crummy (and also, hello! i'm a female...i feel things...)

i've been feeling lately: nobody wants to dance with me. i know i'm great. i know i'm pretty fun and ya i do have my quirks but compared to [what i've heard] regarding a lotta females out there [with boyfriends] i'm pretty mellow...so i'm a bit confused...and, to be honest (of course) a little insecure...a part of me wants to believe that i'm so cool and so awesome that guys just can't handle a relationship without drama and that's the reason they break up with me...but then again...who cares - cos at the end of the day...i'm still falling asleep in my twin bed...alone.

i'm a bit frustrated...here's why:

i've tried to think about me being the "fake" person, or someone some guy may like...just for company...and honestly, i can't do it. part of me is frustrated because i want to experience a reality of a relationship again - even if i know it won't last...i want to try to be a crappy girlfriend if it means i get someone who will cuddle me to sleep (pathetic huh?)...

but really...

i'm not that. i can't help but be myself - seriously, i don't know how to be anything BUT MYSELF! which is really good (in the end...)...i do appreciate that about myself, i do...but at the same time...i'm still alone. it sucks (and yet it's good - i guess) that i can't fall for anyone but someone that's good for me...

the shitty part is when i think someone's good for me........they leave.

WHAT THE FUCK?

haha - like my dad says...i've got abandonment issues...it's true though...i've never broken it off - I'VE ALWAYS TRIED TO MAKE IT WORK....but apparently i'm too much to deal with....

please don't get me wrong - whoever reads this - i'm not asking for a pity party....and i'm not saying i'm not worth it or whatever...i'm just a female venting on a blog ;)

i've got a great life...and i love everyone in it :) and i really am happy...this is just a piece in my mind i'm exploring...

(*also, by the way, i'm not the kind of person that responds well to "oh you're so great" and "you'll find someone" and "you deserve better!" - i'm more of the "i get it" and "you're justified for how you feel" kind of person...i just want to vent and know it's okay for me to feel that way - i'm not lookin' for someone to "make me better" - i just want to vent and have someone say..."i get it")


by the way....thanks fer readin ;)